Go Straight to Jail, Do Not Pass Go
by AliKat7
Summary: Parker only has one name. Is it her last name? Her first name? Hardison tries to find out something else and ends up stumbling across the truth. Team fic with implied P/H.


_Written as a belated birthday fic for **serenelystrange** and the Week One challenge on LJ Community- **ohshinytomato**! Thanks to **inspired_looney** for the beta. And thanks loads to **xayian** for her writing part of this and letting me bounce the idea off her._

**HAPPY BIRTHDAY NIKKI!**

* * *

"What are you doing?" Eliot walked into the room and Hardison glanced up guiltily then hastily closed his laptop.

"Why I gotta be doin' something? I can't just surf the web?" Hardison sat back in his chair, clasped his hands in front of him and put on a look of over emphasized innocence. "What am I doin'…Nothing."

Eliot smirked at the hacker, knowing he had caught him up to something. "Right. Want to try something a little more convincing? Like you're spazzing out over a video game or something a hell of a lot more believable than 'nothing'?"

Alec glared at him before moving to get some orange soda out of Nate's fridge. "I was just checking into something okay? Nothing to concern yourself over…" He turned around when Eliot didn't answer, to find the hitter had walked over to the laptop, opened it, and was reading the screen, his eyes wide. "Yo!"

"You know she's going to kill you if she finds out," Eliot chuckled. "I might just tell her to see how your internal organs look on the outside of your body." He moved out of the way when Hardison rushed over to close the screen.

"Look dude, it's nothing. I was just doing a little research. Don't tell Parker okay?" Hardison looked embarrassed and Eliot debated whether he should continue teasing him. Oh, who was he kidding? Of course he would.

"Do you have her home bugged and all techno'ed up with cameras? Do you watch her shower too?" Eliot asked, trying to look serious. He waited half a beat before asking, "Hey, can I see?"

"Dude? Seriously? Something's wrong with, you do know that, right?" Hardison was obviously starting to get annoyed, which only served to amuse Eliot even more.

"If you need some help getting into her place, you just let me know. We'll make sure you have plenty of visual stimulation to wa…"

"You did _not_ just go there!" Hardison interrupted loudly. "I mean _seriously_. The things that run through your mind," Hardison continued, shaking his head at Eliot, "Look, if you must know, I was trying to find out what day her birthday was," he said a little quieter, "She said she'd never had a birthday party and I was umm…you know…just wondering when it was," he finished looking at the floor and shuffling his feet. "Hold on…You've been to her house? What? She's got like a money photo collage, doesn't she?" Hardison smiled to himself as he imagined what Parker's place would look like. "Nah…she probably has about forty different spots where she's stashed her cash."

Eliot shot Hardison his most evil and mischievous smirk and raised his eyebrows in an amused fashion, before sitting down on the couch and casually propping his feet up on the table. Hardison caught his look and instantly wiped the smile from his face.

"What?" he asked.

Eliot draped his arms along the back of the couch and continued to watch Hardison squirm. Then he realized how strange it was that none of them knew where Parker lived. She just appeared when she was called. Putting his feet down, he tilted his head.

"So you don't know where she lives either? I just assumed you knew where we all lived, you know with your high tech tracking abilities and all that. Don't tell me the little minx has escaped your Super Geek powers!"

"Hell, I know where everybody lives! I just..ya know…never actually been there," Hardison admitted. "She's kind of secretive like that."

"We all are. We're thieves, not fools. Like I trust you all enough to know my 'secret' places," Eliot shrugged, "But I figured you of all people knew."

"Yeah, well…" Hardison returned to his laptop and sat down. "And just so you know, trying to mask your location by forwarding your calls through a single location? Please, boy, I thought I taught you better than that. You gotta route your calls," he said emphasizing his point by circling his hand in front of him. "Better yet, I can hook you up with a phone that will bounce signals off different towers every time you make a call. By the time I'm done, people will think you're calling from Japan." Hardison smirked then chuckled as he mumbled to himself, "Call forwarding…like that ever worked for anybody. My nana could track a call forward."

"You been in my condo? I'll put a beating on you that your 'nana' will feel if you even _think_ about it," Eliot glared at him. "Now as I was saying, what did you find out about Parker?"

"Now see, you went there. You didn't need to go there. You're lucky I don't kick your ass. Talkin' about my nana. Like I'd even wanna go to your condo. Probably got beer cans everywhere. See if I invite you to watch the game again on the big screen. Anyway, I haven't found much on Parker but I guess that's no surprise. When that girl hides something, she hides something."

"You just aren't speaking her language. Do you even know how to talk to a woman? I could give you some tips, ya' know? So you act like less of a bumbling fool," Eliot offered, "Not that it'll get you anywhere, you need more help in that department than even I can give you."

"Please...I can talk to a woman. Boy, I got skills you don't even know about, you with your long hair and your guy-liner."

"That was one time. Get over the whole guy-liner thing. Tell you what - I'll coax her birthday out of her." He stood up and sauntered to the door. "Wait a sec…what's in it for me?"

"What's in it for you? How 'bout the knowledge that deep down you're a decent human being and that you ask out of the kindness of your heart," Hardison replied, placing both hands over his own heart.

Eliot chuckled for a moment, then stopped, "Oh wait…you were serious?"

"Yes, I'm serious, and I don't think she's gonna tell you...not unless a monetary exchange is involved and even then she probably won't give you the right date."

Rubbing his hands together, Eliot raised his eyebrows and said, "Care to wager on what kinda exchange it'd take or what she'd 'give' me?"

"Ha, ha, very funny." Hardison replies, turning back to his laptop then glancing up to add, "Like she'd ever 'give' you anything, you're lucky you go home with your wallet every night."

"So what's your plan then? You think you're gonna get anything out of her? You can't _hack_ her. What? You gonna try to sweet talk it out of her?" Eliot snorted. "You let me know how that works out for you, son. Better yet, video tape that epic failure so I can have a laugh later," he smiled, "Speaking of women, I got plans now. Later." Without listening for Hardison's come back, he left the condo chuckling to himself. Hardison would never get anything out of Parker.

oOoOo

Parker watched Hardison rushing around his kitchen with trepidation. She picked up the fork noticing that he had even put out the good silver. Well…assuming he had 'good' silver and just plain ole' eating utensils. He was very fond on buying _stuff_; fancy pretentious stuff that made no sense to her, nice dishes, silverware, and a tablecloth even…waste of precious cash in her mind. Most of the time, Parker never ate anything that required a fork and if she did it was always at a place that provided them. She had spoons though, her love of cereal and ice cream, not together of course, required her to have spoons, but she never _bought_ any. Hardison probably paid for all this stuff. It made no sense to her.

When Hardison set down the plate in front of her, Parker sniffed the fumes of the Peking Duck with a grin. It was a little burnt but it looked edible. Considering that her normal dinner was a bowl of cereal, she couldn't complain too much, but couldn't help thinking Eliot wouldn't have burned it or if he had, he wouldn't ever serve it. Where Hardison was fanatical about buying new electronic toys, Eliot prided himself in making things. Maybe she needed a hobby besides stealing things and picking locks.

'_Nah_,' she thought, she liked her hobbies.

"So what's with all this fanciness? Are you expecting someone else?" she waved her fork over the food as Hardison lit a candle. Jesus, he even had scented candles.

This can't end well.

"Nope, just you. I just thought we could hang out and have a good meal," Hardison smiled as he sat down across from her.

"I thought Eliot was cooking at Nate's tonight," Parker pointed out as she took a swig of her wine. Wait…when did he give her wine? How'd she miss that?

"I don't need Eliot to cook for me," Hardison groused, "Is it that bad?"

Parker shrugged. "It just seems you went to all this trouble and he was already cooking. It's a little burnt but the wine covers up the taste of it."

Hardison frowned and Parker instantly felt bad. She didn't understand how to not be honestly blunt and insult people, and Hardison seemed more easily insulted than the others did when she blurted out whatever was on her mind. "The rice is good though, hardly crunchy or sticky at all!" She smiled and Hardison rolled his eyes.

"Okay, so cooking isn't my thing. It's Eliot's thing, but I have other things that I could run circles around him in."

"Yeah? Like what?" Parker asked, curiously. "I mean, besides the computer thing which yeah, you totally do."

"Like…he can't…well, just things ya know? Oh, he sucks at board games and he pouts when he loses. Rather disturbing to see him pouting, let me tell you, it's like Mr. T. when he doesn't get his way, 'I pity the fool that beats me in Monopoly!' the way he's always playing games with women? Sick, the man is sick. He's like a big child with the morals of a prostitute." Hardison shook his head and Parker couldn't resist a laugh at his Mr. T. impression.

"You play Monopoly?" she asked, suddenly alert.

"Yes, doesn't everyone? Oh wait – don't you play?"

"It's my favorite game! All the fake money and I love being the banker, although it's not as fun to steal money when you're the banker. Then it's more of a loan. You know when I was a kid…" she trailed off, "Nevermind."

Hardison was studying her, fork in midair and food forgotten. "Tell you what – I'll play you a game of Monopoly, if you finish that story."

She shifted in her seat uncomfortably. Although she felt closer to Hardison than all the others, she still didn't like discussing her childhood, it was best those memories stayed locked away. She absentmindedly picked at her chicken, ignoring his looks. Quietly she said, "When I was like six…well, I'd never been to a toy store and my mom…she took me to one and I got in trouble for stealing the monopoly money out of the boxes."

"Oh man. What did your mom do?"

"She was gone so she didn't do anything. It was the first time I ever stole anything, so it was before I knew how to steal and how to not get caught. I tried to use the fake money to buy ice cream in another part of the mall and the security took me to their offices. I didn't even get the ice cream," she finished before studying her plate intensely.

How did Hardison make her feel like telling him things? He made her feel safe, a stirring and flutter in her stomach when he looked at her. But it was more than that, he understood her. Unlike Eliot and Nate who just indulged her oddities or Sophie who tried to help her become more socially accepted, Hardison 'got' her, just the way she was. He actually liked her weirdness; he made her feel like it was okay to not be like everyone else and it was the first time anyone made her feel like that. He was weird too, they all were, they were all dysfunctional, but the rest of the team could control their weirdness and blend in with normal people. Parker felt like every word out of her mouth was further proof that she didn't _belong_.

That's why she liked crawling in air vents or trying to avoid detection. She liked the fact that no one noticed her unless she wanted them to. It was when she tried to fit in that she felt awkward and unwelcome. But Hardison made her feel…okay. So when Eliot said 'they're something wrong with you' or Nate gave her that look, the one that made her realize that despite his fondness for her – he didn't really understand her at all, she knew she could look to Hardison and see acceptance, understanding, and even genuine enjoyment of her strangeness.

Hardison interrupted her thoughts. "So…what do you mean your mom was gone? She was shopping or something?" She noticed he was watching her, his warm brown eyes with the flecks of hazel encouraging her, telling her it was okay to say out-loud what she was sure he suspected.

"No, I mean, she was gone," Parker replied quietly, looking down at her plate, "She took me to the toy store and left me there, for good. It was the last time I ever saw her." She finished and began shoveling food into her mouth so she wouldn't have to see that look of sympathetic concern.

It was years ago. She was over it by now. Wasn't she? Why did she feel her chest tighten when she mentioned her mother? She had been gone longer than Parker could remember. Well no, that wasn't true. She remembered her heavy cheap perfume and the smell of cigarettes; the smell of too much alcohol seeping through her pores and the sweat of the men that she'd just shared her bed with. Parker never knew their names; they came and went too frequently. She remembered the back of her mother's hand when another man left her because she was saddled with a kid and cleaning up after her mother's drunken binges, including the vomit all over the bathroom; smells and sadness that she never forgot.

Parker liked to smell Sophie. Sophie never wore cheap perfume, she never wore _anything_ that was cheap, she smelled classy. Eliot hit people but he'd never hit Parker. He taught Parker how to defend herself even more than she already could. And even when he was drunk, Nate never smelled of stale beer or dirty ashtrays.

Deep down she knew that Hardison would never hate her for being there, never want to get rid of her because she was too much trouble, or stop caring for her so he could be with someone else. She trusted him, she trusted them all and it was so scary but so nice.

Parker glanced up and Hardison was watching her silently. She swallowed hard. Why had she told him that? Now he'd feel sorry for her and she didn't want that. She liked the way he felt for her, she didn't want to change it. Jumping up, she dropped her fork and reached for her bag, wanting to flee. She was surprised when he stepped in her path.

"Hey…it's okay, you can tell me anything, Parker, I want to know." He placed his hands lightly on her arms. Not to the point where she felt restrained in any way, just a comforting light touch.

"That's why I picked Parker," she whispered.

"Why? Because the game is made by Parker Brothers?" he asked, a flash of confusion on his face.

"No…the police came and they were mean to me. One of them kept saying 'park her in that chair' and 'park her in the back seat' like I wasn't even a person, I was just a thing they had to deal with, so when they asked me my name, I told them Parker," she muttered, looking down. "They got mad 'cuz I wouldn't tell them anything else but Parker. But I stopped being that little girl when she left. I'm Parker now, just a thing people just have to deal with."

Hardison hugged her suddenly and at first it freaked her out a bit. She resisted the urge to get away from him and allowed him to wrap his arms securely around her. The rhythm of his heartbeat comforted her. It was strong and steady, like him.

"You're not a thing people need to deal with. Just because others don't get you doesn't mean you're not…beautiful, _perfect_…in every way." She heard Hardison's words and felt tears burn her eyes. He was the only one who had every called her perfect, ever! And even if she didn't feel perfect, she felt perfect to him, and that was nice.

oOoOo

"So did 'cha get the birthday out of her or did a carnival throw up in here?" Eliot asked as he walked in, pushing the balloons out of his way viciously. "Do you even understand the word moderation, Hardison?"

Hardison smiled and finished stapling the streamer into the ceiling. Eliot watched him for a few minutes waiting for an answer. He saw brightly wrapped gifts on the table and reached into his pocket to see how much cash he had on him. Five hundred dollars? Well, it would have to do, maybe Hardison had a bow for it at least.

"Nah man, no birth date," Hardison climbed down off the step ladder and folded it up.

"So a carnival _did_ throw up in here?" Eliot picked the cash back up and leaned against the table as Sophie and Nate walked in, hesitating in the doorway and looking around curiously.

"We're celebrating the birthday parties she never had," Hardison shrugged and handed them all party hats. Eliot stared at the cone shaped cardboard.

'_No. Freaking. Way_,' he thought.

"Look…we've all had birthday parties, Parker hasn't, so…I just thought it would be nice for her to have one, complete with gifts and decorations. And we're going to the zoo after we have cake and ice cream." Hardison spoke with conviction, his tone daring anyone to argue with him.

"As much as I love a good party," Sophie began, "Wouldn't it be better to do something a little more…well…a little less balloon'ey?"

"Like I said, she never had this and everyone deserves to have a real birthday party at least once in their life, I want to make sure she has one," he answered with a smile which faded as the other looked at him more than a little unsure, "Please just play along," he almost pleaded, "I even got you guys some gifts to give her, but Eliot I'll take that cash, you know she loves cash best." He held out his hand and Eliot reluctantly forked it over. Nate reached into his pocket and pulled out some bills and handed them over as well with a little amused grin on his face. Sophie took off the diamond necklace she was wearing and sighed, before placing it in his waiting hand.

As the hacker rushed around wrapping the new presents, Eliot glanced over at the other two. "This is stupid! Well…I get why he's doing it but it's not even her birthday that we know of."

"Hardison is right. Every kid should have a birthday party. Parker deserves it," Nate said before walking into the kitchen to make some coffee. Sophie kind of shrugged at Eliot before she went and looked over the table of gifts. There was a huge cake designed like a hundred dollar bill, it probably could feed a small army.

'_These people were weird_,' Eliot thought.

"Okay, I called her and she is on her way so let's get ready to yell surprise," he said a little too enthusiastically. "Oh damn, the clown isn't here yet!" Hardison groaned and Eliot's eyes widened.

"Hold on…you remember she had a bad experience with a clown and a horse right?" Eliot reminded the hacker. "So wait that means she had a party as a kid."

"Nah, that was another kid's party. She just needs to see that not all clowns are going to be killed by horses," Hardison threw more boxes onto the pile of presents.

"There's something wrong with you," Eliot plopped down in a chair near the table. He unconsciously blew up a few balloons and twisted them into balloon animals until he noticed Sophie staring at him.

"What? I dated…" he began before she interrupted him.

"I know, you dated someone who made balloon animals, or a party coordinator or a mime or…is there a woman in any profession that you haven't dated?" She shook her head at him.

"Yes, but I'm working on resolving that," He grinned, placing the balloon dog on the table.

"Get up, get up, get up!" Hardison began making erratic hand gestures at them trying to rush them to the door, "Put on the hat, Eliot."

"Hell no. Ain't gonna happen," Eliot warned Hardison with a glare.

"Put the hat on," Hardison glared back.

"For Parker…" Sophie raised her eyebrows at Eliot as she slipped the elastic under her chin and tried to adjust the goofy hat.

"Dammit Hardison!" Eliot slammed his fist down on the table before snatching up the stupid hat and trying to figure out a way to put it on without looking like an ass. Shaking his head, he growled as he reluctantly put it on his head. He felt like an ass. He looked like an ass. They all did.

"Surprise!" They all yelled when Parker walked in. The girl looked terrified and like she wanted to flee the scene instantly.

"What is this?" she asked quickly, refusing to come through the door. Hardison moved forward and grabbed her hand, pulling her the rest of the way into the condo.

"It's your birthday party!" He explained with a wave of his hand. "_You say it's your birthday, it's my birthday too—yeah…_"

"No," Eliot glared at Hardison. "Do. Not. Sing. I draw the line at you singing."

"But it's not my birthday," Parker tilted her head in confusion.

"Yeah okay…so technically it's not your birthday but I thought that maybe we should celebrate all the birthdays we missed," Hardison stammered, looking a little embarrassed.

"Are we going to have a party for everyone? Is this what you do when you miss people's birthdays?" A flash of concern reflected in Parker's eyes, "I didn't know that."

"No…no…" Nate began then turned and looked at Sophie for help. She glanced back at him, blankly, so he tried again to explain, "We've had parties many times and Hardison just thought that since you haven't…umm…"

"There are presents," Eliot injected to lighten the mood and bail Nate out. It seemed to have the desired effect and Parker rushed over to the table.

"And a cake!" Parker's eyes brightened as she wiped her finger-full of frosting and popped it into her mouth. She then reached for the first present and ripped the package open. As the others drifted to the table, she quickly unwrapped one after another, the childlike enthusiasm making even Eliot smile, which he hid behind his mug of coffee.

When Parker unwrapped one of the gifts, she stopped suddenly, seeing a Monopoly game. Her eyes flicked toward Hardison and she smiled gently, but didn't say a word. He just winked and said, "I replaced some of the money with the real thing."

Parker's smile got bigger and they watched as she quickly opened the box and began running her hand over the board with glee. She picked up each of the game pieces and pocketed the metal dog, then began to set up the game board like she was ready to play. Eliot would have groaned but she looked so…happy, he didn't want to ruin it. His heart twisted and he glanced up at Nate and Sophie, seeing they were both affected the same way. Nate watched over her like the paternal figure he was to her and Sophie's eyes glistened.

Eliot nodded approvingly at Hardison. He finally was getting it right with Parker.

* * *

A/N: _You say it's your birthday, it's my birthday too—yeah…_ ~ The Beatles


End file.
